A Little Rant
We were driving to church and Karen brought up the idea of downsizing. She had good thoughts about all the stuff that we had accumulated over the years and were not using. But she added in the idea that if I weren’t here, she wouldn’t know what to do with the stuff or how to sell it for the best prices. I began to hesitate, or from her perception, be really agitated against the idea. She challenged me about that and I promptly denied it by pointing out how sensitive and caring I am. But I began to think and examined my hesitation about doing it. I mean I like all of the possessions, but I also know it’s just stuff. And I realized that some of it has value and it would be hard for Karen to start to sell or even to know where and how to sell this stuff. It struck me that maybe it is because doing that makes it seem like I am giving in to dying. I am not in denial as death is a significant part of my reality. And I am being responsible in many ways by preparing for and making provisions for Karen. But I am just not ready to give up to cancer. We are praying, we are getting reasonable medical care, and I am trying to take care of myself through diet and exercise. But, I do not want to define myself by cancer, I do not want my living moments to always be focused on cancer. A side note generated by the strange way my mind works- statistically in the next few years I have a better chance of dying in a car accident than because of cancer.
I appreciate people showing care and encouragement by praying and speaking to me. Sometimes it is a little hard when people remark about how healthy I look or how they are inspired by my faith. On the one hand it is nice, and I receive it with the good intent they meant. But later, in darker times, I reflect and begin to feel they might be saying – for a cancer ridden, near death, frail old man I look like I’m doing OK. Then I wonder should I be down and depressed and letting my cancer dominate me, would that make people more comfortable? Then my thoughts rise up and want to shout, ‘I’m not dead’. I may be dying, and death is drawing closer, but in a sense, we are all in that same condition. But God intervenes and I remember that in their own way they are expressing love and concern for me.
That being said, I hope people continue to express their love and encouragement because it means a lot, it is encouraging. ‘So encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing.’ 1Thessolonians 5:11.