What Am I Thinking About?
I was asked the other day if I think about the cancers much. I responded that they are a reality of my life and part of my body, but I don’t find myself dwelling about the cancers any more than any other part of my body. What I do notice though is the impact that the cancer and treatments are having. The fact that chunks of me have been cut out of my body and that other parts of me are going to be killed by radiation is kind of an odd thing to think about. But I have had other parts of my body removed; lenses in my eyes, bones in my hand, Gallbladder, and pieces of flesh. So that really is nothing new.
The whole issue of balancing my medication and the impact it has on my functioning is wearisome. I still have ups and lows of energy, there are times when I feel really tired and lethargic. I don’t know whether the right thing is to push through it and keep doing or if my body is saying I need to rest. I think that cancer fog is a reality for me now. I’m learning that if I think of doing something, I need to do it right then, otherwise I will file it away in my mind and sometimes that’ll be very far away. I have to discipline myself when I write an email to make sure that I send it. Little pieces of learning and discipline to do things that were always so natural.
This leads me into something I had been thinking of a while back to put down. People have commended me for my good attitude towards cancer and death. But really dying is the easy part. No more pain, no weakness, no more pills, no more fog, no more limitations, and finally grasping the eternal glory and rest that is promised through Jesus. Death or ‘The Next Big Change’ as I like to think of it, is really not so bad. The hard part is living. Living is great because I can enjoy all the people that God has put into my life and I can make use of all the wonderful opportunities to serve and enjoy Him that He brings me. But I have to grasp those things with the right attitude. I have to be faithful when I don’t feel like it. I have to be loving, thoughtful, and compassionate even when I would like to curl up into a little ball and hibernate and withdraw because too much calcium is making me dizzy, too little calcium is making me nauseous, or a host of other little difficulties and frustrations are happening as my body deals with cancer and medicine levels. I am certainly glad that it is as I recognize my weaknesses that Christ manifests His strength in me. I guess it’s not an issue of whether I am going to be weak and perhaps grow progressively weaker, but whether I am going to embrace that weakness to the glory of God and rejoice in the strength of Christ.